Today I went running for the second time this week. But before this week, I haven't really been able to run in like 6 weeks. I know what you're thinking:
"But Jenni, aren't you guys doing a triathlon in 2 weeks? I thought you were training??"
Yea.
About that.
Seeing that I'm getting OLD, I've been having some chronic issues in my neck and shoulder-blades. Or rather, I've had chronic issues there for about 6 years now, and suddenly that I'm on the eve of my 30th birthday, my body has decided to just do this:
I've been seeing a chiropractor 2 times a week, and icing and heating every single day for about 6 weeks now. And I've been under the instruction of "no high impact sports".... AKA no running. Which is perfect because I'm basically an Olympic athlete that has no business training for this shit anyway.
No seriously though. I'm a little freaking out that I might have to push the race. I have alluded that idea to Steve....but we haven't officially talked about it. So there's that.
Anyway, so today (against the advice of my doctor) I am running. Actually, I'm barely jogging, and basically feeling like my entire ass is a bumper of a car that is bouncing all over the place with each embarrassingly slow jiggly step I take. Plus I was wearing these yoga pants that like to sneak into the back of my shoes and get wedged on the inside of my shoe, under my foot, like a pair of stirrups. SO HOT:
Yea that's about right.
Oh and it was like 68 degrees in San Francisco today, and I was so hot I thought I was going to pass out and vomit on the sidewalk.
Usually when I'm running for the first time back in a long time, my brain goes kinda crazy. Like planning crazy. This is what my thoughts sound like:
"Ok you're doing great Jenn. I know this is hard, but this is just your first time back in a while. If we run two or three more times this week, then this will get easier....maybe if we do 4 miles tomorrow, and then 5 - 6 over the next few days, you'll start feeling good. And maybe we can do some sprint training - that will really help with your overall slow pace. You really need to start lightening up on dinner. If we eat salads for a the next few weeks, you will feel tighter overall, and then you can sign up for that half marathon you've been thinking of. Then you can do some marathons. Maybe by the end of the summer you can have 3 - 4 races picked out. And maybe one of them can be an ultra-marathon. You can totally do this..."
Did I just talk myself into a FIFTY MILE RACE?
Yep.
Isn't that just a little bit of pressure?
Maybe.
Ok.
It's totally gross.
I have a problem.
But today I remembered something majestical. This wonderful fairy thought that came and slapped me in the face like 6 months ago. Right when I was thinking of leaving my job, and everything was overwhelming and I felt lost and small and confused.
I was running and listening to this song (no really. press play. it makes it better. really):
I was running up Fillmore in Pac Heights, which if you don't live in the city, it basically looks like this:
(Honestly. There are stairs instead of sidewalk.)
But in that moment of forcing my legs up this concrete mountain, something really different echoed in my brain.
"Don't worry about being fast. Or glamorous. Or loosing weight. Or joining teams, or completing races. For one time, just be here. Just show up here, right here, tonight on this hill. You can leave all of those other things for another moment. All you need to do right now is get your ass to the top of Fillmore and Broadway. It's that simple."
If you're like me, and you say all kinds of ridiculous future planning//achieving//striving//competing statements to yourself, you can empathize with how radical//refreshing//releasing this thought was. I felt like someone else had taken over my head and said "Hey! Be nice to her! Just giver her a break!"
It was very surreal.
And very awesome.
Today while I was limping my way through Golden Gate Park, the same thought returned to me. Which as a competitive, achieving, driven person...it can be REALLY hard to not let your brain get away from you all the time. But it was nice. It was like there was a friend in my brain, defending me from the evil-step mother.
I huffed.
I turned shades of purple.
I questioned whether or not I was going to be able to do this race in a few weeks.
And yet, I kept hearing "It's your first day back. Just stay here. Stay in this moment. Just show up right here, and give what you have. And when you're done with this route, it is finished. It's that simple."
So, I wanted to give you guys that today. Maybe sometimes you're like me and ask waaaay too much of yourselves. You're supposed to be pretty, and perfect, and wear great clothes, and have a successful career, and get to the gym, and make killer dinners, and have a fun social life. Maybe you're like me and want to say yes to everything: the person you are, the person you want to be, the person you wish you were, and the person who has unlimited time, money, resources.
But sometimes you just have to tell that bitch to just shut up.
That's she's wrong.
And being all those things is ridiculous.
And not your job.
"We put one foot in front of the other,
We move like we ain't got no other,
We go when we go,
We're marching on.
There's so many wars we fought,
There's so many things we're not,
But with what we have,
I promise you that,
We're marching on,
(We're marching on)
(We're marching on)"
No comments:
Post a Comment
Got some comments? Right this way...