At The Beginning.

The 18th of this month marks the 4-year date-a-versary for Steve and I.

It was four years ago that I drank too much and sat on his lap to let him know I was interested. That he asked me on a date. That he drove 100 miles that night to drive from LA to Huntington Beach to pick me up, to Hollywood for the date, and then all the way home. That he told me this story about his first car that he had to parked under a tree with a bee hive, and sap and bees were constantly stuck all over his powder blue Camry. That I laughed so hard I snorted. That he bought me 2 beers because he didn't know which one I wanted. Four years since I sat in a seat in a small private concert and realized "Ohmygod, I think I might marry this man."

It was destiny. lol.

I cannot even begin to get my brain around that number.

I know it's not the longest two people have been together. It's not even a dent in the married world (it's been eighteen months married).

But four years is the longest time I have ever been connected to another soul. Four years ago I was twenty-five, and when I look at my now twenty-five year old brother I laugh because I think he is such a baby, and he seems altogether too young.  Or I think about things that have happened "forever ago," and remember that Steve was around, so he is in those memories. It's kinda crazy.

But as we round the corner on four years, I have been discovering something that strikes me as remarkable:




WE ARE SO BRAND NEW AT THIS.

Napa 2009

This second year of marriage and fourth year of being together has kinda kicked our asses. I'll be a little honest, we've fought A LOT. We've had moments of looking at each other and thinking, "ohmygod, who are you? And did we make a mistake? How does this work?"

We started seeing a marriage counselor about 3 months ago. Which, on some level felt really scary. Aren't you supposed to go to a counselor when you've been married fifteen years and you hate each other? Aren't we supposed to be so crazy-in-love-pink-cloud-floating that we don't notice each other's weaknesses? Is this a bad sign that we're needing intervention so soon in our relationship?

Despite what I worry about, I know that the answer to all of that is NO.

It's been tough shit, but it's been amazing. I cannot over stress this. AMAZING.

The fighting and the honesty has brought about a new level of knowing each other. It's been heartbreaking, eyeopening, and tremendously life-giving.

San Fran 2009
Foreshadowing anyone?

It was actually Steve who said a very true thing the other day:

"Jenn, you and I are so different. We are literally opposite people. So I'm realizing that means that we have low-lows and really high-highs. It takes us a while to figure out how to meet in the middle, but once we do that, it's kinda rad."

He is so right.

Seattle, 2010

Some of the stuff we're finally getting through has been stuff that we've been fighting about since we were dating.

Stuff like how much we work out, or how often we go out with our friends. It seems mundane, but we're coming from opposite sides of the world on this and it's taken us a long time to figure it out. And in general, its taken these past FOUR YEARS to settle into a groove that really works for us.

I'm realizing that I'd been wrong. I'd thought that by this point you would know how your person works. You would arrive in situations and say, "oh yea, this is what I should do." Or "This is how he's going to react to this."

But that is totally not true.

People are complicated, and despite my expectations, you don't always know a person after a year or two.

We are beginning to say things like:

"Oh, remember the last time we moved to a new city? This is how your reacted to the stress, and now I know that you need...."

or

"When you're hospitalized, you really have anxiety, and it works out best if I..."

or

"You need more structure than me. So when we plan major life changes like moving overseas or starting a family..."

Honeymoon. Probably drunk. Definitely happy.

I don't know why I thought we would just know these things, but surprise! You totally don't. There is huge a learning curve...and it takes way longer that I expected.

And over the past week or so, I keep looking at my husband and thinking "Oh my god. We are so new at this. It's been four years, but finally starting to figure it out."

Maybe all couples are different. Maybe they're better at communicating with each other, so they've been able to hit their sweet spot a little faster than we have.  Maybe I didn't realize the truth to what other couples mean when they say "you're always learning about each other." Maybe I just had unrealistic expectations of how many layers there are to my husband, and how long it would take to get through some of them.

Time with the nieces <3

Re-locating Steve to Nor-cal...the first time

NYE fancy pajama party, 2011

Surprise skydiving for Steve's 30th

This is us....literally every morning. Lol.

Mutual weirdness. Forever.

Surprise Mexico Trip 2011

Spain 2012

So on this date-a-versary, where are celebrating four momentous years of togetherness, I find it both surprising and exciting to realize that we are still very much, at the very beginning.